We Are NOT Pregnant!

Ξ August 12th, 2008 | → 12 Comments | ∇ Costa Rica, Family, Humor, Maria Luisa, marriage, Menopause, Politically Correct, Rants |

Now before some of my readers begin to think that I have or am even trying to impregnate my wifey… fear not. We are waaaay too olde! This post is about my ongoing battle against the ridiculous political correctness permeating the United States… and menopause.

I am not sure how many North Americans realize just how ridiculous they look to people in other countries always trying to be Politically Correct (PC). Free speech is no longer an option in the US as there is always some joker looking over your shoulder and telling you how to think, act, and what to say… or what not to say.

Like so many things in the US, PC seemed like such a good idea at the time, but then morphed into idiocy. It just got carried too far… kinda like trade unions, women’s lib and so many other truly good ideas gone bad. Good concepts… overdone.

Of all of them, one of the dumbest (in my opinion) is one of the more popular phrases spoken by young couples regarding a woman’s pregnancy. The PC thing to say is, “We are pregnant”.

Unless it is two women speaking these words, this is perhaps the most ridiculous statement one could utter. I have news for you. WE (the men) are NOT pregnant. YOU (the women) are! I have done pregnancies and it is not the man who has to pee every 11 minutes and who knows the location and condition of every bathroom within 50 miles of his home. It is not the man who cannot sleep at night because getting comfortable just ain’t a happenin’. It is not the man with sore feet, back pain and hemorrhoids. Now I suppose an argument could be made that a woman may not suffer the above issues in silence… but that is not always the case and in fact the many pregnant women I have known tended not to make their partners miserable with constant and ongoing commentary.

This is NOT the case with menopause. Menopause is interactive!

If you men really want to share an experience with your partner, I suggest menopause! I can testify to this! When that female person in your life is entering or is in menopause (which, by the way lasts years… not nine months of which only few are nasty), you may safely say to anyone “We are in menopause” and be dead on the money! You, my man, WILL be in menopause and I can assure you that any semblance between the women you married and the women living with you now and wearing your ring is purely coincidental.

I have had the pleasure of having three such women in my life, including the normally sweet and loving women to whom I am married. With the first two, I was hit, was screamed at, had one chase me in the kitchen with a knife… the list goes on.

ML is in menopause and I can assure you with no political correctness intended that WE are in menopause. It is a truly amazing experience. One moment ML is this sweet cuddly woman who then transforms, without notice, into this…. ummmm… thing. I say “thing” because all my training and education forsake me. I feel as if Rod Serling is somehow taking me in and out of my own personal Twilight Zone. I can I see my wife clearly, then she changes and sadly, I have no idea what is coming. This does not happen in the privacy of our home. Ohhh no! This happens in restaurants, grocery stores, the car and it never seems to be the same. No action is correct. If I keep still waiting for it to pass, I get the “you’re not listening” thing. If I speak, I am being rude. Nights are the best. There is no correct temperature in the house and I am informed of this between 3 and 142 times each night. Fan ON Fan OFF Blanket ON Blanket OFF Husband Sleeping Husband UP! Hold Me! Get Away! Any semblance between this and a pregnant wife is… well… there is none.

So WE change/try medicines. We try pills and dosages (Yes, I take them all as I hope one will make me sleep until she is out of menopause. In fact I wonder if the true story was that Rip Van Winkle had a menopausal wife!).

We try natural medicines that other women say will work like magic, They lie!

We are now trying this jelly stuff that she spreads on her arm! It smells exactly like that antiseptic hand gel you can buy. Supposedly, it absorbs. It does… after an hour. It also does not work. We change dosages. We increase… we decrease. She visits her doctor who commiserates, changes medicine and dosages, then checks her mutual fund to make sure she is heavily bought in to pharmaceuticals.

I think my average reader is perhaps not at the We Are Pregnant stage but maybe more in the We Are in Menopause stage… the Autumn of life.

But for you young men who truly want to “share” your wife’s experiences… just wait a while, like maybe twenty years or so, and remember my words. Only then will you truly understand the concept of sharing.

Me? I am still experimenting with her drugs. The good news is that I no longer have to shave as much. The bad news is that none of her prescriptions make me sleep. I think five years would be enough after which WE will no longer be in menopause!


12 Responses to ' We Are NOT Pregnant! '

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  1. GirlBlue said,

    on August 13th, 2008 at 5:16 am

    heheh awwwww I hope your five years passes quickly without anyone (you) being hurt.

    As an aside I know a couple of couples that could say the “we are pregnant” thing as it was the men who got the morning sickness and the women were fine lol. Funny stuff that

  2. Tim said,

    on August 13th, 2008 at 7:20 am

    I am in my third year and still breathing. As for those other guys, I am sure it was just something they ate 🙂

  3. Tony from Chicago said,

    on August 14th, 2008 at 4:26 am

    Right on Tim, Been there done that. Correct, it never ends. I must have a place in heaven.

  4. Robert said,

    on August 14th, 2008 at 9:12 am

    OMG!! I am so scared. My wife gets freaky and psycho once a month now and it’s tough. I fear menopause may be the end of me.

  5. Tim said,

    on August 14th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Tony… Maybe! Especially if God is a woman 🙂

  6. TicaNadian said,

    on August 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Try Estalis Patch, probably have to buy in the states, TRUST me it works. Has saved my marriage for 10 years, and husband is still well and alive…

  7. Rich said,

    on September 11th, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Alas, the other side is really there! Trust me, there is an other side to the experience. It (the other side) is better than the front side! I am LIVING proof!

  8. plantcrone said,

    on September 15th, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    It will end. Honest. Then you and your wife can shave together every morning-I call the amazing grey hairs that seem to grow an inch overnight “Twangers”. They are like boar bristles. If I saved them I could make a paint brush. Of course all the other hair on my body is in remission so I needn’t shave my underarms frequently. Don’t bother to shave the legs as I haven’t had sex in decades-or at least 3 !/2 years since DH passed-while I was in menopause. I think he just gave up?

  9. Miguel said,

    on October 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    You’ll enjoy this!!!

    You’ll need the volume turned on.
    Baby Boomers: click on it. Might have to copy&paste.

  10. Roca said,

    on November 12th, 2008 at 12:32 am

    This was such a hilarious read! Oh my goodness.
    So funny!

  11. Miguel said,

    on November 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    ?Que pasa mi Amigo…hace mucho tiempo…todo esta bien???

    If your celebrating Thanks Giving this coming Thursday…Enjoy…Wishing you and yours the best!

  12. Miguel said,

    on December 8th, 2008 at 12:15 am

    ?Donde estas…donde estas…TicoGrande?

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