Brief History of Conservatives and Liberals

Ξ January 10th, 2007 | → 10 Comments | ∇ Costa Rica, Humor, Life in Costa Rica, Living in Costa Rica, Politics, Whatever |

monsters.jpgMy nephew sent this to me. I have decided to share this with my loyal readers. I am presuming that he actually wrote this… though as always, it is possible I am violating someone’s copyright. I tend to think he did as his political bent is somewhat to the right right of Genghis Khan. If I am violating someone’s rights, I apologize but do not bother writing me to tell me to remove it as I live in Costa Rica and I am pretty much threat-proof.

WARNING: If you are a Liberal, you may find this slightly…ummm… well, anyway, read it if you wish! It’s pretty funny and kinda accurate.
Early humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery or in clubs like the Elks or the Moose. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as ‘girliemen.’

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies, hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other “true believers.”


10 Responses to ' Brief History of Conservatives and Liberals '

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  1. wynn said,

    on February 6th, 2007 at 8:52 am

    Being a “liberal” I had more than a momentary urge to respond…but since it was so funny, this is how I managed to get myself to send it to MY insufferable brother, with a note on the top saying:

    “Jackasses won’t believe this,
    but I thought YOU might! =tee-hee=”

    er…Am I a jackass, or what?

  2. Tim said,

    on February 6th, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    Naw… Just a good Liberal!

    I am SURE there is one of these out there going after the Republicans and I’ll run it if I can find it.

  3. Steve said,

    on February 11th, 2007 at 7:16 pm


    Very good and very true. My wife and I are coming down the 21st. Looking for a new start.

    Too many liberals up here in Texas…

  4. Tim said,

    on February 13th, 2007 at 9:06 am

    There were more liberals in Texas… but just so you know… they moved here 🙂

  5. on February 13th, 2007 at 5:29 pm


  6. Tim said,

    on February 16th, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Thanks Hillary, but as I have told you MANY times before, you CAN use your real name on my blog!


  7. Miguel said,

    on March 3rd, 2007 at 11:08 pm

    Pues la verdad es la verdad…?No es la verdad?

  8. Doug Ward said,

    on September 6th, 2007 at 3:06 am

    This fits you PERFECT. Still enjoying cheap health care I see.
    George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, “What’s in the basket?”
    She replies, “New baby kittens,” and she opens the basket to show him.
    “How nice,” says Bush. “What kind are they?”
    The little girl says, “Republicans.”
    Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

    Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, “Watch this, Karl? It’s really cute.” They approach the little girl.
    Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, “Fine.” Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, “And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?”
    She replies, “Democrats.”
    Aghast, Bush says, “But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!”
    “I know,” she says. “But now their eyes are open.”

  9. Blammo said,

    on September 6th, 2007 at 3:10 am

    A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. “Mary,” says the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Because I’m not a Republican,” says Mary. “Well, what are you?” asks the teacher. “I’m a Democrat and proud of it,” replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?” she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I’m a Democrat, too.” “Well,” says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?” Mary smiled. “Then we’d be Republicans.”

  10. Larry said,

    on October 26th, 2007 at 7:56 pm

    The small-town barber shows up to work on Monday. At 9 the town cop shows up, gets a haircut, and when it comes time to pay discovers he is short of cash.

    He offers to come back later, but the barber says “it’s on me”. The next morning the barber found a dozen donuts on his doorstep.

    That same morning, a rich rancher shows up at 10, and gets a haircut. Time to pay, he discovers he is short of cash. The barber said, “it’s on me”.

    The next morning there are a dozen ribeye steaks on the barber’s doorstep.

    That same morning, a Democrat comes by at 10 for a haircut. Alas, at the time to pay, he too is short of cash. The barber said, “no worries,this one is on me”.

    The next morning there were 2 dozen Democrats on his doorstep.

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