The Nose Hair Problem

Ξ November 15th, 2004 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humor, Rants |

Today I need to rant a bit on that problem common to many men and a few lucky women! I am, of course, referring to nose hair!

Getting older sucks. It especially sucks when hair that has been apparently happy growing in one location on your body decides now that it now wishes to expand its sphere of influence.

When I was young(er), my hair knew how to behave.

It grew on my head, my chest, my legs, (but never very much on my legs which caused my son to call me a sissy until I sat on him), two little patches on my back, and, of course, in my nether regions.

Now this brings up another subject. Why are our nether regions called our nether regions? In fact what is a nether anyway? Is it like the opposite of hither? Like coming hither, going nether? I suppose it could be where we get the term for that popular game nether ball. (Sorry, had to).

This may fall into that odd combination of weird words like Hoosier. What the fuck IS a Hoosier?? Now don’t tell me a Hoosier is a person from Indiana duh! I want to know exactly what IS a Hoosier. And nobody seems to know.

In fact, one day I should do a rant on screwy words. Like what is a Nittany??? There are the Nittany Lions, right? but what IS a Nittany?

Well this has been fun, but I really need return to the reason you were attracted enough to READ this rant in the first place. NOSE HAIR!

As I was saying, for years my hairs knew their place. Now, a sort or Hair Lib is taking place.

Let’s start at the top!

I had a nice head of hair. I guess I still do, BUT, there is a danger zone exactly on the top of my bean where the hair is ummmm… Endangered!

A person directly looking down at my head from above say when I am sitting in a sofa and they are above and behind me, can now see a LOT of skin through the trees! Sort of a Friar Tuck in Training thing. This is not good. I wanted to know where it was going because I was NOT losing these hairs. None on my pillow in the morning, None in my hairbrush. A conundrum for sure.

Then, I figured it out! They had ingrown through my brain and were now sprouting from my ears, my nose, and my chest.

This is GROSS. Ear hair must be dealt with. Men with foliage growing from their ears are disgusting. Men with uncontrolled nose hair make the ear hair guys pale to insignificance. Now I have both. When I was young(er), I always thought men (and women) with wild nose hairs should not be permitted in public.

Now I have become one of THEM, and I have to DEAL with this.

Now you can PULL an ear hair. No biggie! It hurts, but you can deal with it. You cannot pull a nose hair. Nose hairs grow in no pull zones. Even NFL players do not pull nose hairs.

Also, my chest hairs, which for many years were well disciplined and self-grooming for the most part, have now also felt the need for rebellion. Some grow at an amazing pace and not at all evenly. It’s like the chest hair fertilizer fairy came visiting after a bit too much of the suds. Why, the other day, I yanked one out (chest hairs, like ear hairs are in OK to pull zones), that was easily long enough to use as shoelace! Alas, it broke after only two tyings.

So, I did what any new age man would do, I formed a nose hair support group. We comfort one another twice a week. Somehow, you feel better knowing you are not alone.

Sadly, we have not one member who knows what is a Hoosier or a Nittany.


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