I have an immediate issue with this. First, I have been to Puntarenas several times over the years, mostly to take the ferry that departs from there to cross the Gulf of Nicoya to a really nice part of Costa Rica. Every time I have gone there, I told myself I will not go there again. Every time I go again, there is some overwhelming reason why I do go there again, in this case, the wife.

Might as well get this over with now as I know I am going to lose the battle. “No… I really don’t want to go. Silly to drive all the way there just for a 7 PM meeting, then return.”. “We can spend the night!”, says she. Great. Just what I want to do. “So what is the name of the hotel?” says I, knowing that Puntarenas is not a exactly hotbed of tourist activity. “The Portobello” says she “or something like that”.

It is pointless to argue this, so rather than risk the obvious result, I give in. “OK, I’ll go”. She is happy. I am…. umm, doubtful.

So I call my trusty Costa Rica based travel agent and ask if he knows this hotel. He says he has never heard of it. It is not a good sign when a travel agent actually located here in Costa Rica does not know a place.

OK, I Yahoo it (Yahoo being the only search engine that actually gives a hotel’s web site rather than 3,298 travel agents as does Google). Nothing! A few TA’s give very little info. I am now really worried.

It gets worse. We are going to leave San Jose at about 2 PM for the 2 hour trip to Puntarenas. The problem of course, is that we are in the middle of what some advertising guy has dubbed “The Green Season”, a really clever way of saying that it rains like a sonovabeech every afternoon. I am powerless to stop what I am sure will be a disastrous overnight stay.

So Thursday rolls around, and we find ourselves in the car heading for dismal, smelly Puntarenas and the probably no-star Portabello. It begins to rain as we leave the house. No biggie. Just normal for this time of year.

I hop on the Pan American Highway near our home and plug in the iPOD to ease the way. However, about 45 minutes later, as we pass San Ramon and begin the gentle ascent into the mountains, it begins to really come down hard… like no visibility hard. Traffic comes to a near halt as we edge up the mountain. We proceed at about 15 KPM (about 10 MPH) for what seems like an eternity. This two hour trip will soon be a 4 hour adventure.

Past the peak and heading down the other side, I begin to really worry about what this rain is doing to the mountains. It is very common at any time, but especially in heavy rains to be exposed to a derrumba, or landslide. Derrumba actually is a word that I think means to demolish… but here it is used to describe these landslides where earth and often huge rocks fall from great heights. I am giving this some serious thought and I conclude that if there is a landslide, our only course of action would be to place our heads between our knees and kiss our butts goodbye. There is no place to go.

As I complete this thought process, there is an E N O R M O U S crash and this huge bolder lands on the highway about 5 inches outside the passenger side door. Luisa and I jump so hard we hit our heads. The boulder does not move. Does not roll or touch the car and we glide safely on by hoping to get soon to anywhere that we can change our underwear. Another foot or so and I am a widower. Another three feet and my kids get to read the will earlier than expected. Oh well…

The rain does not let up and we eventually take the turn-off to Puntarenas. We have semi-directions that tell us that the hotel is just past the Yacht Club. To even think there is a Yacht Club in Puntarenas is pretty funny,but lo and behold, there it is. The Puntarenas Yacht Club in living color. Go figure.

Another couple of hundred yards gets us to the Portabello. We drive in to register and ML hops out to go to the registration desk. It is barely visible. I am thinking power outage, but then I realize that the light source is perhaps a 40 watt bulb suspended in the lobby. Not a good sign.

She finishes registering and we head to our room.

It is worse than I imagined. First, you could smell it before you actually got there. As my male readers undoubtedly know, many men’s bathrooms have a roundish disk emitting some “disinfectant” odor, conveniently placed in the urinals. In fact, I was always told that you could tell a really “tough bar” if you saw the men’s room sign that said, “Please do not eat the big white mint!”. Anyway…Our room has that same odor… a STRONG odor. I am wondering if there is a negative star rating.

There are two queens beds, but I am not at all comfortable with the thought of actually touching them. I say this as there are many things moving around on the walls. Some are mosquitoes… others…?

The toilet seat is not screwed down. I can tell this from my wife’s scream as one cheek plunges downward.

She wants to shower, even more so after the toilet seat incident. Sadly, all there is is a suicide shower. For those of you not knowledgeable on this, it is common in Costa Rica to NOT have a water tank for all hot water needs. Many showers (though normally NOT in hotels), are equipped with a coil type device that heats the cold water as it passes through. This might be an OK thing if you thought for one minute that this device was attached to a good earth ground, something that is found almost never in Costa Rica. Thus the term, “suicide shower”. She forgoes the shower.

I walk her to the hotel conference room that is amazingly located off a very nice looking restaurant overlooking the water! HUH? THIS is a shock and makes no sense whatsoever! Here is this very nice appearing eatery part of a hotel that you would choose only if you had no other choice. Why the hell the owners would not invest in upgrading the rooms is a question that must go unanswered. Some stuff is just inexplicable here in the tropics!

The moment she enters the conference room, I am G O N E. I jump in the car and head out looking for other accommodations knowing that there are but three chances I will sleep in that place. Slim, fat and none.

Heading back out of Puntarenas, I see a sign for the Fiesta Hotel and Casino and I lose no time in getting into the lobby to check availability. There is S P A C E! I nearly break my wrist getting my credit card out and in five minutes, I am back in my car heading back into Puntarenas to collect my wifey. While she is busy presenting, I am packing and loading the car. As she steps out of her meeting, I grab her and we are on our way to our news digs!

Now the Fiesta is an all inclusive hotel. Normally, that means crummy food and not too clean rooms. I am happy to say that our room was very clean and spacious and the food, while certainly not award winning, was at least quite acceptable. There are nice facilities, tennis courts, and maybe 38 swimming pools. In fact, the Fiesta must have the largest baby pool in the world. It covers about an acre and has islands and trees!

So… the rest of the weekend took a upward turn! We stayed a couple more days. ML aged herself nicely by the pool and returned to me every daily a darker shade of woman. Love those tan lines!

The bar had wireless so I kept my businesses going during twice a day visits while sucking down umbrella drinks.

Wudda been nice to have Internet in the rooms… but that may be asking too much… this being Puntarenas!

So Costa Rica decided to send the dispute to the International Court, and THAT has royally torqued off Nicaragua’s foreign minister, Normal Caldera, who is now saying that his country will ask that Costa Rica give back Guanacaste. I can’t WAIT to hear what Marriott says about that!

Sooo… Nicaragua claims that Guanacaste belongs to it and was seized illegally by Costa Rica back in 1825. I guess it has taken the Nicas about 180 years to realize 1. they don’t have Guanacaste any more and 2. they got screwed. Sorta like the American Indians on that Manhatten deal.

Caldera now sez that his country is analyzing the possibility of reclaiming Guanacaste from Costa Rica.

Costa Rica agrees that the river belongs to Nicaragua and has never made a claim for it. Thank goodness! All CR wants is for their patrol boats to be able to be armed… IMHO not an unreasonable request as the peace loving folks on the other side most likely are carrying heavy.

Costa Rica’s president, (not so very) Abel Pacheco, said that he won’t do diddly squat as because, quote, “it is out of place”.

Diplomacy…

Oh… and although this story IS 100% actually factual, don’t get all panicky about an attack from the North. This will probably all get resolved as soon as the Nicas cool down about one of their local felons getting eaten the other night by a Rottweiler as he was visiting a bodega in the middle of the night…. to visit his girlfriend. And if it doesn’t, we’ll just call George!

After the few days we spent in DF and Taxco, it was time to again board Mexicana… also known as Mexi-arrogante… for the short flight to Cancun. As you might glean from my comment, Mexicana is not my favorite airline and in fact are probably toward the bottom… not bad considering this was the first time I have flown the airline. They work quick to impress!

Of the four Mexicana flights (legs) we were on, only the return flight from Mexico City (DF) to Costa Rica was staffed by flight attendants who gave the impression they gave a sweet damn about anyone on the plane except themselves. Since I moved to Costa Rica, I have had the opportunity to fly a number of non-US airlines in Central America such as Taca, Lacsa, and others, and the general level of service is very, very good. Thus I was surprised and disappointed that Mexicana so mightily sucketh. They are now on my “use them only if NOTHING else is available” list.

Bad airline and all, we DID finally make it to Cancun on a gorgeous, sunny and breezy afternoon, and made our way to our hotel, The Cancun Palace.

Let me start by saying this. I HATE all-inclusives! Now I have to revise that. I HATED all-inclusives.

This was Luisa’s first trip to Mexico, and she wanted to stay in an all inclusive where the meals, drinks and so on are included in the price. ML is a…well.. ummm… parsimonious soul, a totally un-Tica like behavior, and she firmly believed after the compromiso, the wedding, and all the other expenses, that we would save money if we went to an all inclusive. I tried to explain that at the all inclusives I ever went to (about 10 in my younger years) the terrible service was surpassed only by the lousy food, watered down drinks, and dirty facilities. She stood firm and we booked at the Palace.

Wow! Have all-inclusives changed over the years! When we arrived, the hotel was truly quit lovely on the outside and I got an inkling that I may have been too quick in my judgement. We entered the lobby area where I immediately thought “Ha, typical, crummy all-inclusive” as the lobby and elevators were really pretty crummy and sorely needed remodeling. I am happy to say that that was almost the LAST negative thing I would say about the place. See below.

The Palace was great! The staff was friendly and service oriented. The grounds (except for the incredibly dilapidated miniature golf course) were immaculate and well kept. The several restaurants (5-6 I think) ALL served really GOOD food and the wait staff were cordial, pleasant and competent. The drinks were proper strength and I can testify to that as I spend a huge amount of time at the swim-up pool bar while Maria worked diligently to age herself pre-maturely by spending every day baking to a fine brown. She DID look pretty sexy though! So I hereby eat crow. All all-inclusives are not crummy and the Palace is proof. We missed the big hurricane by only two days, and sadly the Palace was heavily damaged and will not be open again til February, 2006. This, however, may actually be a great thing as now the management will have to deal with the only three (and relatively unimportant) problems in that hotel… The lobby, the elevators, and the really awful miniature golf course (that has GREAT potential, BTW.). Certainly, they will need to replace those.. and that will make it an even better place.

I was also pleasantly surprised that free WIFI was available not only in our room, but poolside as well. Sadly, the marketing folks at this chain apparently are still operating in the last century as this info does not appear anywhere on the web site. And yeah… I DID bring my laptop and yeah, I DID work in the room and poolside… and yeah it WAS my honeymoon… so? I just wish someone could invent a waterproof laptop so I could have worked while sitting at the pool bar. Life would then have been even better!

Though we spent a lot of time at the pool and beach (see photos for Cancun in the gallery), ML wanted to get out, so we took a tour to the Isla de Mujeres (Women’s Island), a name that certainly held great promise, but was, alas, just a name. It WAS fun though! We snorkeled for about an hour and a half, ate some tasty food, and rented a golf cart to drive around the island.

ML does not drive. Well, she MUST as she has a drivers license, but she never drives. Anywhere. So when she wanted to drive the golf cart, I says to myself, “Self? What harm can there be in this reasonable request from my bride of but a few days? This will be really fun!”.

I learned why ML does not drive. This enormously talented woman (in the hospital) absolutely does know her left from her right, nor does it appear she has the ability to coordinate what her eye SEES with what her hands (on the wheel) nor her feet (on the gas and break) are doing.

I learned fear.

I play golf and have spend countless happy hours driving a golf cart in various stages of sobriety. I have crashed them. I have driven them into picturesque ponds. I have used them as steeds to play polo golf. I have even used them for their intended purpose. But I NEVER thought of playing “chicken” with a semi while driving a golf cart. Have you any IDEA how BIG a semi looks from a golf cart as it approaches head-on at moderate speed?? I suggested to ML that a lane change might be in order as 1. The truck would easily win and 2. We were in HIS lane!

ML assured me (as the semi began to block out the sun) that we were fine and I was over-reacting. I SAW the semi drivers face. Hell, I saw his NOSE HAIRS. He was not in agreement with my bride. I grabbed the wheel and returned to our rightful lane just as the semi, already laying heavy pressure on the breaks… whipped by. ML was laughing and having such a fine time, we just continued (after a brief stop while I changed my underwear). She was just like a kid and we had many more near death experiences, but we also bought some cool presents and a pretty traditional dress for Lucia! I love my wifey! You shudda seen her face… like a kid!

ML now loves golf carts, and wants one for around the town here. I am reluctant as it took years to find her and it seems unfair to lose her so soon. On the other hand, there are no semis in our neighborhood!

The ten days in Cancun ended way too soon. The town has changed incredibly over the years and now just reeks of tourism… but honeymoon spots are forever, so we’ll be heading back soon I am sure.

ML is aging herself in the sun… like most women I guess trading a few minutes of color for years of looking ten years older than she is… sigh.

Later, I am going to blog a bit on this hotel and hopefully get some of the photos published. Right now though… this nice Mexican lady has a tray of Miami Vice’s with my name on it.

Mexico City is special. I have always wanted to visit, but was scared away by the numerous traveler’s warnings.

As there are about 12 million federales, policemen, and other uniformed people who are distributed approximately every 25 feet, crime would seem to be a low possibility.

I cannot even begin to tell you how beautiful is this city! Gorgeous parks, wide, tree-lined boulevards, statues and fountains and architecture I have only seen in places like Versailles. Our driver Mario picked us up at about 9:30 AM for the city tour. Ha. We simply had no time to see anything in depth as we were scheduled to make the 2.5 hour drive to Taxco, the center for all things silver in Mexico and another location I have had on my travel list for years.

We traveled through the famous Zona Rosa and hit a few other high points. Photo ops were everywhere, but as we were so tight on time, many shots were taken through the car window. I’ll post photos either here or in the gallery when I have had time to process them.

The scale if this city is staggering. At almost all times, you simply feel dwarfed by your surroundings. Churches and public building especially are almost intimidating in their size, stature and grandeur.

After far to little time, we were off to Taxco. After so many trips to Mexico (always to beaches) I though I knew the country. How dumb! Similar to someone saying they know the USA after visiting Ft Lauderdale.

The countryside was incredible with vast plains, rolling hills, and deep valleys for the entire 2-3 hour trip.

Taxco was and maybe still is known as the center of design and craftsmanship for articles made of silver. The city itself is build into a mountainside and streets are barely wide enough to walk in let alone handle the constant flow of two-way traffic.

By the time we got there, it was time for lunch and Mario directed us to a restaurant he knew of. We tried to find it… couldn’t… and found ourselves in a nearly vertical street listening to a guy tell us HIS restaurant was “real good”.. Getting there involved entering this building and heading up some stairs… HA. We went up stairs all right… a lot of stairs… maybe five flights of stairs… very narrow and very vertical, and then we found ourselves on a rooftop restaurant with incredible views of the city, churches, and the surrounding mountains. The food was so-so, but the experience more than made up for the food.

After lunch, we were off to buy silver. There are maybe 200 silver shoppes in Taxco, and those are the only the ones we could see. There were most certainly others located in narrow alleys and side streets that we simply could not follow.

Speaking a bit of Spanish was sure helpful. We bought maybe 20-25 items… gifts for friends and family back in Costa Rica.

Taxco and Mexico City are special and ML and I are already making plans to return.

Needless to say, we breezed right through. We made it to the gate with the idea of snoozing a bit. We were toast after the wedding, the party, and a bunch of people who stayed late to watch Costa Rica kick some serious US butt 3-0 in soccer. Head to head, I’ll cheer for my Yanks, but in this case, the USA was already going to the 2006 World Cup and this was the last chance for CR to get on the list. It was a popular win.

So 6:30 came and went with no announcements about the flight. Never a good sign. The a helpful Mexicana employee told us our plane was sick and needed an emergency visit to the plane doctor, but was expected to be well again by…. WHAT???? 4 PM?? Now THIS seriously sucked. This same cheery person then told us we would all receive a $6.00 voucher for breakfast. I laughed so hard I damn near fell off the seat. For those of you not familiar with SJO, you cannot buy a small diet soda at that airport for less than $3.00. Burger Kings START at $7.00 per. Now THAT is a whopper of a price.

So we decided to go eat breakfast ($27.00 less the helpful $12.00 in vouchers) and decide if we just wanted to go back home and wait. This was really a non decision as they would not let us leave the airport. This turned out to be a good thing though as a quick call to my helpful travel agent netted the info that the plane was already back from the plane doctor and would leave forthwith. Cool!

Or not…

This is my first experience with Mexicana, so I will not roast them… yet. I have three more flights though, and I am hoping these will go better. Now those who know me might describe be as …. um…. huge. I can easily block out the sun for small towns and villages. In fact, my ex wife once told me that one of my best features was the ability to provide warmth in the winter and shade in the summer…. but I digress.

The plane was like a meat locker. Large people normally LIKE meat lockers. This plane however, was just silly. You could see your breath! I asked the cheerful flight attendant (HAHAAHAAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) if I might have a blanket. I might as well have told her that I was visiting from Zebulon. Away she went with that cheery “blow it out your butt” attitude normally found only on US Airlines before the budget airlines taught us that air travel can be fun and flight attendants do not have to be rude bitches.

Needless to say, she disappeared. Flight Attendant TWO (hereafter FA2) stopped by. I again asked for a blanket as now did 4-5 others. She just gave the ol’ nurse Rachett (sp?) smile and left. FA3 and FA4 did likewise. Then comes along control lady from the service desk. I ask her if there are blankets on board. Now SHE is nice, and gives me a cheerful “SURE”, then leaves the plane forever. FA1 returns and completely ignores me. FA3 returns and ignores me AND the other 5 or so people who wanted blankets. We take off.

Now if it was cold on the ground… at 30,000 feet, it could easily have snowed over our seats.

People were getting testy as people DO when being ignored. Finally enters FA4… or maybe it was FA1… not sure as my eyeballs now have a layer of frost which impairs my vision. I again ask her for a blanket. She gives me the “eye roll” thing which I think all teenage girls learn early in life (mine did) and is the major cause of parents murdering teeneage girls everywhere on earth… but I get my blanky!!!

Now this would SEEM to make everyone happy… except now, the pilot has been notified of weather conditions aft (like it’s freakin frezzin!) and happily turns on the HEAT. The woman across the aisle is in heaven. She is a size ZERO with NO body fat and it is likely she has never experienced perspiration in her young life. ML and all the women on board hate her.

The blanket is now extraneous. I am thinking may be FAs 1-4 will now be more cheery. Wrong. The only people they are polite with are the other attendants.

We land in DF about 4 PM. My helpful travel agent has told us to look for the (free) ground transportation to the Nicco. Two problems: First, there is no ground transportaiton anywhere and TWO, free ground transport is not included anyway. “It is!” sez I, showing the people at the information desk the confirmation from my helpful travel agent. They just laugh and laugh and we pay $25 for a cab ride just to get to our hotel. Once here, the hotel people also laugh a bit, (though MUCH nicer laughing) and explain that all travel agents put that crap in the itinerary, but it is just horsepucky and we should ask for the refund when we return. I laugh now.

Now the Nicco is a most excellent hotel and I am thinking that the honeymoon is now in gear. Nice hotel, nice front desk lady who understands my Spanish and would bring me a blanket for SURE if I asked. She could NEVER work for Mexicana! Only complaint is that they charge $16.00 per 24 hour period for the Internet in-room. Should be free at $400 A NIGHT… but I’ll live.

The room is big with a spectacular view! I’ll take some pix to post here.

Maria and I are like veggies… so tired… we showered skipped dinner and hit the sack at 7:30 PM. It is 3 AM as I write this. Later, we are going to hire a driver and tour Mexico City. I am going back to bed. IT’S MY HONEYMOON.